ย Jokes, May June 2018 ืืืืืืช ืืื ืืื ื
ย ืืืจืชื ืืืืฉืชื ืฉ”ืืืื ืืืืฉื (ืชืืืืช ืืืื ืืืื
ืื ืื ื ืืืืจืื ืืืฆื ืฉืืื ืืื ืืคื ื 20 ืฉื ื”.
ืื ืืื ืืืืจืช ืื: “ืืื ืืคื ื 20 ืฉื ื ืื ืืืจื ื….”
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ืืืจืชื ืื: ืืืืืงืงืงืง
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ืืืจืื ืขืืื ืื ืืจืื ืฉืื ืืื ืกื ืขื ืืื ืืจืื ืืคืชืื ืืช ืืืช ืืจืื.ืขืืฆืจ ืื ืืื ืืืื ืืฉืืื ืื ืืื ืขืืฉื.ืืืืจ ืื ืืืืจืื ืื ื ืื ืกื ืืคืชืื ืืช ืืืืช ืืคืชืืืช ื ืฉืืจื ืืชืื ืืจืื.
ืืกืชืื ืืืืฉ ืืชืื ืืจืื ืืืื ืจืืื ืืืฉืื ืืืฉื ืืคื ืื.ืืื ืฉืืื ืืช ืืืืจืื ืื ืืืืฉ ืืคื ืื.ืืืืจืื ืขืื ื ืื ืฉืื ืื ืฉืื.ืืืืืฉ ืฉืืื ืืื ืืื ืื ืืืงืฉ ืืืืื ืฉืืคืชื ืืช ืืืืช?
ืืืืืจืื ืขืื ื. ืื ืืกืืจ ืืื ืืืื ืืืชื ืขื ืืื ืืืจืื.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘ working girls ‘ and
take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out cries of, “Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE … UGH! ” ” Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE…. UGH!” “Here
I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!” This goes on for the whole
hour
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, ” How did it go? “
The first mutters, ” It was embarrassing. I justย couldn’t get an erection. “
The second dwarf shook his head. ” You think that’s embarrassing?
I couldn’t get on the bed. “
ืขืืจื ืืื ืืืงืจ ืืช ืืฉืช ืื ืืฉื ืืืฉืคื ืจืฆืย ืืื ืกื ืืขืจืขืจ ืืช ืืืื ืืชื:
ืืืืจืชื, ืืฉืืชืืชื ืช ืืืชื, ืืื ืืืขืช ืฉืืื ืจืืฆื?
ืืื ืืฉืืื ืื ืืจืืืข: ืื, ืืืืช ืืื ืฉืืืขืชื.
ืขืืจื ืืืื ืืืื ืืกืคืจ ืฉื ืืืช ืืื ืืืืืืจ ืืช ืืืคืงื ืืื ืคืื ื ืืืื ืฉืื:
ืืืื ืืช ืืกืืืจื ืืช ืื ืฉืืชืืชื ืช ืขื ืจืืฆื?
ืืื ืขืื ื: ืืชื ืืืื, ืืืจ ืื ืืืืชื ืื ืื ืฆืขืืจื ืืืื ืื ืจืง ืฉื ื ืืืืจืืย โย ืจืืฆื ืืขืืจื ืืืโฆ
Lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’S), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, ย ย ย MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED. ย ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON
On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay,she ย opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said ” Your not reallyย asking me to consider you? You have no legs.”
The Old Man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you.”
She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either.”
Again he smiled, “Nor can I beat you.”
She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, Are you still good in bed?”
ย ย With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “How do you think I rang your doorbell?”
ืืืฉ ืืงื ืืื ืืขืืื ืฉื ืืืื ืืืืื ืืื ืฉื ืื.
ืืื ืื ืืื ย ืืืื ืืงืฆื ืืืืื, ืขื ืฉืืืื ืืช ืคืืงื ืืง ื ืืื, ืืืจืฉ ืื ืืก ืืืื ืขืฆื ืชืคืื ืืืืก. ืขืจื ืืื, ืืืืืื ืืืงื ืืืืื ืืจืืช ืืืื, ืืืืจ ืฉืื ืืื ืฉื ืืืจ ืืื ืจื, ืืืืืืง ืื ืืขื ืืื ืื.
ืืื ืืงื ืืื ืืืื ืขืืื ืืืืื ืืืืจื ืงืฆืช ืืืคืืจืืช.
ืืืฉืจ ืืชืงืจื ืืืื, ืฉืืข ืงืืืืช ืฆืืขืงืื ืืฆืืืงืื ืืืืฉืจ.
ืืืฉืจ ืืชืงืจื, ืจืื ืื ืืืืชื ืื ืงืืืฆื ืฉื ืืืืจืืช, ืฉืจืืฆื ืืขืืจืื ืืืื ืฉืื. ืืืฉืจ ืืื ืืช ืืจืืืฉื ืื ืืืืืชื, ืืืื ืฉืื ืื ืขืืื ืืฆื ืฉื ืืืื ืืขืืืงืื ืืืื. ืืืช ืืื ืฆืขืงื ืื: “ืื ื ืฆื ืืืืฆื ืขื ืฉืชืขืืื.
ืืืงื ืขื ื: “ืื ืืืชื ืื ื ืืื ืืฆืคืืช ืืื ืฉืืืืช ืืขืืจืื ืื ืืืจืื ืืื ืืฆืืช ืืืืื ืขืจืืืืช”. ืืืฉืืื ืืจืื ืืช ืืืื ืืืจ: “ืืืชื ืื ื ืืื ืืืืืื ืืช ืืชื ืื”…
ืืืกืจ ืืฉืืย : ืื ืืงื ืื ืืืืืื ืืืฉืื ืืืจ…
Smart answer by a female passenger on a flight…
A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him…
‘Nice perfume…..which one is it?…๐ I want to give it to my wife..!!’
Lady: ‘Don’t give her….some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her..!!’ ๐๐๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
A letter from a teacher to a parent:
Dear Parent, Edward doesn’t smell nice in class. Please try to bath him.
Parent’s answer:
Dear Teacher, Edward is not a rose, Don’t smell him,Teach him ……๐๐๐๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
Mother to Son: Who is Sultan Aziz?
Sonย : Don’t know ๐ค
Motherย : Devote someย time to pay attention to study also
Son to Motherย : Do you know Aunty Jennifer?
Motherย : Don’t know
Son: Sometimes pay attention to Daddy also ๐๐๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
A cute excuse:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom & dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were fighting?
Student: One of my shoes was in mom’s hand, and the other in dad’s..๐๐๐๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Rascal, yesterday I gave him food. Today he gave me a book on
“How to Cook !!! ๐ก๐๐๐๐๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife’s scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: Did u drink?????
Husbandย : no!
Wife:ย Idiot!!! then why are you typing on a suitcase?!!!
๐๐๐๐ป๐
โโโโโโโโโโ
ืืื ืคึทืืจึฐืฉึฐืึดืื ึฐืงึถืขื ึถืข ืืขืฉืืื (ืกืืคืืจ ืขื ืจืื)…
ืฉืืืฉื ืจืืคืืื ืฆืขืืจืื ืืืชืืืืย ืฉืืืืืื ืืืืืฉ ืืื ืืชื, ืืืืืื ืืจืืื ืืจืืืื ืืืฉ ืืงื ืฉืืืื ืืคืืฃ ืื ืืืจืืืืื ืืคืืกืงืืช.
ืืืืืื ืืืืืจื ืืืืช ืืืชืืจืช ืืืชื ืืชืช ืืืืื ืืื, ืืื ืกืืื ืืืงื ืฉืืืื ืืฆืืจื ืืืืช?
ืชืชืืื ืืชื, ืืืืจืื ืืฉื ืืื ืืืืจื, ืืชืืื ืืช ืื ืืืืืืฉ.
ืืืืจ ืืจืืฉืื: “ืึถืขืจ ๏ฌืื ื๏ฌฏื ๏ฌฎ ืงึดืืึถืข”ย (ืืืืืื ืืฉ ืงืืื/ืฉืืจ).
ืืืืจ ืืฉื ื: “ื ึทืืื, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ๏ฌฎ ืงึดืืึถืข, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ืึธืจึดืืึฐื”ย (ืื, ืื ืื ืงืืื, ืื ืืืืจืื).
ืืืืจ ืืฉืืืฉื: “ื ึธืืื, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ๏ฌฎ ืงึดืืึถืข, ื๏ฌตื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ืึทืจึดืืึฐื. ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื๏ฌตืึฐืึธึผื๏ญ” (ืื, ืื ืื ืงืืื ืืื ืืืืจืื, ืื ืืืืืื).
ืืืืจ ืฉืฉืืืฉืชื ื ืชื ื ืืืื ืืช ืฉืื ืืช, ืืื ืืฉืื ืืื ืืื ืืื ืืืืืื ืฉืืื ืฆืืืง. ืืืืฆื ืืช ืฆืขืืืื, ืืฉืืื ืืช ืืืงื ืืืืจื ืื:
“ืจึถืข๏ฌฑ ๏ฌืื, ืึดืืจ ืึถืขื ึถืขื ื๏ฌตื ึฐืึถืข ื๏ญืงึฐื๏ญืึฐืจึดืื” (ืืืืื ืืงืจ ืื ืื ื ืจืืคืืื ืฆืขืืจืื),
“๏ฌฏืึฐืื ึถืขืจ ื๏ฌฏืึฐื ๏ฌฎื ืึดืืจ ื๏ฌฏื ๏ฌฎ ืงึดืืึถืข, ืฆึฐืึทืึฐืืึถืข ื๏ฌฏืึฐืย โย ืึทืจึดืืึฐื; ืึถื ืึฐืจึดืืึถืข ื๏ฌฏืึฐื – ื๏ฌตืึฐืึทึผื๏ญ”. (ืืื ืืืืจ ืฉืืฉ ืื ืงืืื ืืฉื ื ืืืืจืื ืืืฉืืืฉื ืืืืืจืื).
ืึดืืจ ืึทืืจึฐืคึฐื ืึดืืกึถืขื ืึถืขืจ ืึถืก ื๏ฌฏื ืึถืจึถืขืึฐื?ย (ืื ืื ื ืืืงืฉืื ืืืขืช ืื ืืืืชื ื ืฆืืืง?).
ืขืื ื ืืืงื:
“ืงึดืื ึฐืึถืขืจึฐืึถืึฐ ืึธืึถืืจึถืข, ๏ฌฎืึถืข ื๏ฌฏืึถึผืขื ๏ฌฎ ื๏ญืืึถืขืก ืึถืขื๏ฌฏืย (ืืืืื ืืงืจืื, ืืืืืื ืืืืชื ืืขืืช ืืืืื), ืืคืื ื ืื ืื ืืื ืืื:
ื๏ฌต ื๏ฌฏืกึฐื ๏ฌฎ ื๏ญืึถืืขืก ืึถืขื๏ฌฏื, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ๏ฌฎ ืงึดืืึถืข (ืืชื ืืขืืช ืืื ืื ืงืืื),
ื๏ฌต ื๏ฌฏืกึฐื ๏ฌฎ ื๏ญืึถืืขืก, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ืึทืจืืื (ืืชื ืืขืืช ืืื ืื ืืืืจืื),
ื๏ฌต ื๏ฌฏืกึฐื ๏ฌฎ ื๏ญืึถืืขืก, ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ื๏ฌตืึฐืึทึผื๏ญ (ืืชื ืืขืืช, ืืื ืื ืืืืืจืื).
ื๏ฌตื, ืึถืขืจ ืขึดืืงึถืจ, ืึดืืึฐ ๏ฌฎืึถืขืืึฐื ื๏ฌฏ๏ฌฑ ื๏ญืึฐืึฐ ๏ฌฎ ื๏ญืืึถืขืก ืึถืขื๏ฌฏื – (ืืืขืืงืจ, ืื ืื ื ืืขืืชื ืืขืืช ืืจื).
ืึดืืึฐ ื๏ฌฏ๏ฌฑ ืึถืขืึถืขืืึฐื ึฐื ื๏ฌฏืก ืึดืื ๏ฌฎ ืงึฐืึถืืื ึถืข ืค๏ฌฏืจึฐืฅ (ืืฉืืชื ืฉืื ืจืง ื ืื ืงืื),
ื๏ฌตื ืฆ๏ฌตื ืก๏ญืฃ, ื๏ฌฏ๏ฌฑ ืึดืืึฐ ืึดืื ืึทึผืืงึทืืงึฐื (ืืืกืืฃ ืืจืื ืชื ืืืื ืกืื).
ืื ืืืื ืืื ืื ืฉืื ืฆืขืืจืื:ย ืค๏ฌตื ๏ฌฎื ๏ฌฎืึฐืึถืขื ืช๏ฌตืึถืขืก ืงึถืขื ื ึดืืฉึฐื ๏ฌฎืจ๏ญืืึฐืก ืึถืขืืึฐื ๏ฌฎ ืคึฐืจึถืขืืึฐืึทืืึฐื ืค๏ฌฏืจึฐืฅย (ืืืชืืช ืฉื ืืงื ืืืจ ืื ืืคืฉืจ ืืกืืื – ืฉืืคืืง ื ืื ืขืืื….).
ย Jackie Mason On Speaking Spanish:
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserveย the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.
To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I justย want to say thatย I,ย for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.
To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I’m fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges,ย especially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!
These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It’s all so much dreck, as far as I’m concerned.
I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to theirย fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn’t be kosher to do anything else.
Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they’ve got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
ืืืืกื ืืืืื ื ืคืฉ ื ืืกื ืืืื ืืฉื ืืขืงื ืืืชืืื.
ืืื ืงืคืฅ ืืืจืืื ืื ืฉืื ืืงืจืงืขืืช.
ืฉืืฉื ื ืฉืื ืืื ืืืืฉืคืืช ืฉื, ืงืคืฆื ืืื ืืืจืืืย ืืืฆืืืื ืืืืฆืื ืืช ืืขืงื ืืืฉืจ ืืื ืืงืืฉื ื ืืฉื.
ืื ืื ืืืืกื ืฉืืข ืขื ืื ืืืืืย ืืช ืฉืืฉื ื ืืืฉืจืื, ืืื ืืฉืืจืจ ืืืชื ืืืืืกื.
ืืจื ืื ืฉืขืืฉื ืืืจ ืืื ืืืื ืืื ื ืืจืืื.
ืื ืื ืืืืกื ืคื ื ืืฉืืฉื ื ืืืืจ:
ืืฉ ืื ืฉื ื ืืืจืื ืืืืจ ืื.
ืืื ืฉืื ืืืฉื ื ืขืฆืื.
ืืชืืื ืขื ืืขืฆืื.
ืืืืืจ ืืขืงื ืฉืืฆืืช ืืชืืื ืืช. ืืื ื ืืฆื ืชืืื ืืืืจ .
ืฉืืฉื ื ืืกืชืืื ืขื ืืื ืื ืืืืจื:
ืื ื ืชืืืชื ืืืชื ืืื ืฉืืชืืืืฉ….
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Bradenton, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.ย “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach.ย Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I’m sorry to hear that.ย My husband passed away three years agoย and it is very lonely, she countered.ย “Do you live around here?” she asked.>>
“Yes, I live over in Coral Springs, ” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied: “How did you know my name was Katz?”
ย
ืฉืืืฉื ืืฉืืืขืื ืจืืฆืื ืืืจืื ืืืืืช ืืฉืืืขืื.
“ืื ืืืืจ ืชืืื ื ืืืื ื ืงืคืืฅ ืืขืืื”, ืืืืจ ืืื.
“ืื ืืืืจ ืชืืื ืืืืื ื ืืื ืืชืืชืื”, ืืืืจ ืืฉื ื.
“ืืืงืื, ืืืจ’ื”, ืืืืจ ืืฉืืืฉื, “ืืฆืฆืชื ืืืืฆื ืืื ืืคืฉืจ ืืืจืื. ืืื ืืืจ”.
ย
As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on:
“Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited.” “To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that youย ย enjoy your stay…..and to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones,ย ย we wish you a Happy Chanukah,ย ย and welcome back home.”..ย
ย
ืฆืืื ืืชืืง ืืื ืืกื ืืืืื ืฉืืื ืจืืฆื ืืืื ืืก ืงืฆืช ืคืืคื ืืฆืื ืฉืื ืืืืฆื ืืฆืื ืื ,
ืืฉืืื ืืฉืชืืฉ ืืจืืื ืืขื ืงืืืืจ ืงืื ืืืืชืจ .
ืืื ืจืืื ืื ืืืขืจ , ืืืืื , ืืืจื , ืืืื ื ืขืื .
ืืฆืืื ืืืืข ืืืงืื ืฉืื ืจืื ืืช ืืื , ืื ืื ืืืฆื ืืืื .
ืคืชืืื ืืื ืืจืืืฉ ืืคืืื ืขื ืืฉืื . ืืื ืืกืชืืื ืืจืืื ืืืื ืื ืืจืืืื ืขื ืง ,
ืืืืื 2 ืืืฆื ืืืจ .
ืื ืืืจืืืื ืืืืจ ืื : ” ืืชื ืืืฉ ืืืฆืคื . ืืืืช ืืฉืืช ืฉืชืืื ืืืจืื ืืืชื ืขื ืจืืื
ืืงืคืฆืื ืื ืืื ? ืืฉ ืื 2 ืืคืฉืจืืืืช: ืื ืฉืื ื ืืืจืฃ ืืืชื , ืื ืฉืืชื ืืืจืื ืืช
ืืืื ืกืืื ืืืงืื ืืช ืื ืืื ืืืจ “.
ืืฆืืื ืืืืจ ืืืืืช , ืืืจืื ืืช ืืื ืกืื ืืืื ืขืืฉื ืืช ืฉืื .
ืืฆืืื ืืืื ืืืจื ืืืืื ืืชื ืืืชืืื ืืืชืขืฆืื . ืืฉืืื ืืืืข ืืืืื ืืช ืืื ืืืจ
ืขืืื ืื ืืจืืฉ . ืืื ืืืงื ืืช ืจืืื ืืฆืื ืืจืืื ืฉืื ืืืืืจ ืืืขืจ, ืืืืจื ืืืจืื
ืืช ืืื .
ืืื ืจืืื ืืืชื ืืงืจืืช ืืขืจ , ืืืืื, ืืืจื , ืืื ืืื ื ืขืื . ืืฆืืื ืืืืข ืืงืจืืช
ืืืขืจ , ืืฉืื ืื ืืืฆื ืืืื . ืคืขื ืฉื ืื ืืื ืืจืืืฉ ืืคืืื ืขื ืืฉืื .
” ืืชื ืืชืืื ืืืจืืื ืืืชื ืืืืช “, ืืืืจ ืื ืืืจืืืื, “ืืคืขื, ืื ืฉืื ื ืงืืจืข
ืืืชื ืืืืจืื ืืื , ืื ืฉืืชื ืืืจืื ืืช ืืืื ืกืื, ืืื ื ืืืืืจืื ืฉืื ืขืืืื ืขืืื “.
ืืฆืืื ืืื ืืจืืจื , ืืื ืืืจืื ืืช ืืืื ืกืืื ืืืงืื ืืช ืฉืื .
ืืฉืืื ืืืืจ ืืจืื ืฉืื , ืืื ืืืจ ืืืืจืฃ ืืืขื .
ืืื ืืืงื ืืช ืจืืื ืืคืืืื , ืืืืจ ืืืขืจ, ืจืืื ืืช ืืื , ืืืจื, ืืืื ื ืืคื .
ืืฆืืื ืืืืข ืืืงืื ื ืคืืืช ืืื – ืืฉืื ืืื ืืื ื ื .
ืคืขื ื ืืกืคืช ืืื ืืจืืืฉ ืืคืืื ืขื ืืืชืฃ .
” ืชืืื ืืช ืืืืช”, ืืืืจ ืื ืืื , “ืืชื ืื ืคื ืืืืช ืืฉืืื ืืฆืื, ื ืืื ?”
ย
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
โAnd, by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
ืฉืชื ืืืจืืืืช ืืืื ืืื ืืืืช.
ืืืช ืืืืจืช ืืฉื ืืื: “ืื ืืช ืื ืืฉืช ืืื ืืืืขืืช ืืฉ ืื
…”ืืืืก ืื ื ื ืืชื ืช ืื ืืช ืฉืืืฉืชื
…….ืืฉื ืืื ืืืืจืช ืื: ืฉืชืืื
ืืืจืืืช ื ืืกืขืช ืืกืคืจื
ืืืืืก ืืืฉื ืืืื ืืืจื ืกืคืจืื ืฉืฉืืื ืืืชื:
(“ืืืืื ืืกืคื ืืื?” (ืืืืจืช ืกืคืจืืืช
ืื ืืื ืขืื ื: ” ย ืื. ย ืืืืื ืืืฉืจืื”
ืืืจืืืช ืืืช ืืืืืช ืขื ืฉืคืช ืื ืืจ, ืคืชืืื ืืื ืจืืื ืืฆื ืืฉื ื ืืืจืืืช ืืืจืช
?ืืื ืฆืืขืงืช ืืืื: “ืืืืชื, ืืื ืืืืขืื ืืฆื ืืฉื ืย
…”ืื ืืฉื ืืื ืขืื ื ืื: “ืื ืืืืืืืช, ืืช ืืืจ ืืฆื ืืฉื ื.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go tothe girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they had Sex.
After they are done, the girl says,
“You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says “Sure, I’m a good dentist.ย How did you
figure that out?”
“I didn’t feel a thing.” ! ! ! !ย
ืืืืืื ืจ ืืื ืืืฉื ืืืืช ืงืคื, ืคืชืืื ื ืื ืก ืืืฉ ืืงื ืขื ืืฆืช ืืืืื, ืืืฆืืข ืื ืืงื ืืช ืืื ื ืืช ืืืฆืช ืชืืืจืช ืื ื ืืกืื.
“ืืฉืชืืขืช?!”, ืฆืืง ืืืืืืื ืจ, “ืื ื ืืกืื ืชืืืจืช ืืฆืช ืคืฉืื?!”
“ืื ืื ืกืชื ืืฆืช”, ืืฉืื ืืืงื.
ืืื ืืืฅ ืขื ืืืคืชืืจ ืืืืืฆืช ืืืฆื ืฉืืื ืฉืืืจ “ืื ืืืื ื, ืื ืจืฆืื ื?”
“ืชืืื ืื ืชื ืืื”, ืืืืจ ืืืงื, ืืชืื ืฉื ืื ืืืก ืชื ืืื ืืื ืืช ืขื ืฉืืืื ื.
ืืืืืืื ืจ ืืืืื ืืชืืื ืืืืืจ ืืืืฆืื ืืกืืืื ืืืขืืืจ ืืช ืื ื ืืกืื ืขื ืฉื ืืืงื, ืชืืืจืช ืืืฆืช.
ืืืจ ืื ืืื ืจืฅ ืืืืชื ืื ืกืืช ืืช ืืฉืืื. ืืืืฅ ืขื ืืืฆืช, ืืืฆื ืืฉืืื ืืืืืจ: “ืื ืืืื ื, ืื ืจืฆืื ื?”
ืืืืืืื ืจ ืืฉืขืืจ, ืืืื ื ืืื ืืืชืจืืฉ: “ืื ื ืจืืฆื ืฉืชืืืืจ ืื ืืช ืื ืื ืืกืื ืฉืื, ืืชืืกืืฃ ืื ืื ืืืืก ืคืจืื, ืืืืื ืืืืฉื ืืืืืช ืืืืคืืื ืขื ืขืื ืืื ืืจืืงืืช ืืฉืืขืจ ืืืื ืืื ื
“ืืฆืืขืจ”, ืืฉืื ืืฉืืื, “ืื ืื ืฉืื ื ืขืืฉื ืื ืจืง ืชื ืื ืงืคื
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out
Jack’s Last Will and Testament. “To my dear wife Esther, I leave the
house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus, the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.ย
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is
better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”
ย
ืืื ื ืฉืื ืืืืื ืืฆืืช ืืืืคืฉื, ืืื ืืื ืืช ืืื ืืคืื ืืืจืจืืื ืืืืืืช ืืืจ ืฉืืืืช ืฉื.
ืืฉืืืืขื ืืฉื ืืื ืืืืจ ืืืืื, ืคื ืชื ืืืืฉื ืื ืืจืฉืช ืืืขืื ืืืืจื: “ืชืกืชืื ืืืืื, ืืฉ ืคื ืืืืื.”
โืขื ื ืื ืืืขื: “ืืงืืจืชื, ืืฉ ืื ืฉืชื ืืขืืืืช. ืจืืฉืืช ืืืช ืื ืืืืื ืืื ืคืจื ืืฉื ืืช ืื ืื ืืืื ืืื ืืจืื…”
For all my female friends…. Be careful out there.
ย
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are pastย the age ofย ย 35.ย
What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a
red light, an almost nude, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comesย upย to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.
While he is doing this,ย another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car,
takesย anything valuable and insists the woman drive off with him to some
lonely spot, where he has his way with her.
They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and
ย five times Saturday. I couldn’t find them on Sunday.
ย
ืืื ืืฉื ืืฉืงื ืืงืจื ืขืืชืื ืืืื ืฉืืฉืชื ืืืืขื ืืืืืจืื ืืืืืชื ืืืชื ืืจืืฉื ืขื ย ืขืืชืื ืืืืืื.ย
ย “ืืืืืื! ืืื ืขืฉืืช ืืช ืื?” ืืื ืฉืื.ย
ย “ืื ืืืื ืคืืกืช ืื ืืืจ ืฉืืฆืืชื ืืืืกื ืขื ืืฉื ‘ืืจื ืื’ ืจืฉืื ืขืืื” ืืขืกื ืืืืฉื.ย
ย “ืืคื ื ืฉืืืขืืื ืืืืชื ืืืจืืฅ ืกืืกืื ืืืจื ืื ืืื ืืฉื ืฉื ืืกืืกื ืฉืืืืจืชื ืขืืื” ย ืืื ืืกืืืจ.ย
ย “ืืื ืื ื ืื ืื ืืฆืืขืจืช, ืืืืชื ืฆืจืืื ืืืขืช ืฉืืฉ ืืกืืจ ืืืืื ื ืืื ืื” ืืื ืืืจื .ย
ย ืฉืืืฉื ืืืื ืื”ื ืืื ืฆืคื ืืืืืืืื ืืฉืืฉืชื ืืชืงืจืื ืืืืืจ ืืืืืชื ืืืชื ืืืืืชย
ย ืืจืื ืืืื ืืชืขืืฃ.ย
ย ืืฉืืชืขืืจืจ ืฉืื “ืืืฉืืื ืื ืื ืืื?”ย
ย ืขื ืชื ืืืืฉื: ืืกืืกื ืฉืื ืืชืงืฉืจื”.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
ย * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
ย * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
ย * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
ย 
ย ย * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
ย ย * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
ย * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
ืืื ืืืฉื ืฉืืฉืชื ืืืืืช ืื. ืื ืืฉืืื ืืืฆืืช ืืขืจื ืืืืืช,
ย ืืื ืืืืจ ืืงืคืืฅ ืืืื ืืช ืืืืจื ืื ืื ืืขืงืื ืืืจืื.
ืืขืืืจ ืืกืคืจ ืืงืืช ืืืจืืช ืืืฉื ืืจืืื ืื ืื ืกืช ืืืืื ืืืืื!
“ืื ื ืื ืืืืื ืฉืืฉืชื ืขืืืืช ืคื!”, ืืืืื ืืืืฉ ืืืื, ืืื ืคืื ื ืื ืื: “ืจืืฆื ืืืจืืืื 500 ืฉืงื?
ย ืื ืื ืก ืขืืฉืื ืืืืื ืืืืื, ืชืคืืก ืืช ืืฉืชื, ืชืืื ืืืชื ืืืื ืืช ืืงื ืืืชื ื ืืืืชื”.
ืื ืื ืืกืืื, ื ืื ืก ืืืืื ืืืขืืืจ ืฉืชื ืืงืืช ืืืฆื ืชืื ืฉืืื ืืืื ืืืื ืืฉืืขืจื ืฉื ืืฉื ืฉืืงืืืช ืืืชื ืืื ืกื ืืืฉืชืืจืจ.
ย ืืื ืคืืชื ืืช ืืืช ืืืื ืืช, ืืืจืง ืืืชื ืืคื ืื ืืืืืจ ืืืขื: “ืชืืืืง ืืืชื!”
ืืืืฉ ืืืื ืืืฉื ืืฆืืขืง ืื ืื: “ืื ืื ืืฉืชื!!!”
“ืื ื ืืืืข”, ืืฉืื ืื ืื ืืขืฆืืื. “ืื ืืฉืชื! ืขืืฉืื ืื ื ืืืื ืืืืื ืืช ืืฉืชื”…
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s, 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat…..and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
“Grandma”, he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen and you were born in August, ya dumb shit!!!!
ย
ืืืืื ืขืืืจ ืืืกืืื ืืืจืืง ืืฉืื ืืชืขืืคื, ืืฉืืืขื ื ืืืื ืื ืคืืืช ื-5 ืืงืจืจืื.
ืืืืืก ืขืืฆืจ ืืืชื ืืืืืืช:ย “ืกืืืื ืืืื ื, ืื ืื ืฆืจืื ืืืืืช?”
“ืื ื ืืืืื ืืจืื”ย ืืกืืืจ ืืืืฉ,ย “ืืฆืจืื ืืงืจืจ ืืื ืขืืืจ ืืืื ืืฉืจื, ืืืื ืขืืืจ ืืืื”
“ื ื ืื”ย ืืืืจ ืืืืืก,ย “ืืื ืื ืืกืืืจ ืจืง ืฉื ืืื, ืื ืื ืืืข ืืฉืืจ?”
“ืขื ืคืกื ืฉืืขืช?”ย ืฉืืื ืืืืืื,ย “ืืืื, ืื ื ืืงืืง ืื ืืืื ืืฉืจื ืืืืื, ืขืืืจ ืื ืืคืกื”
ืืืืืก ืืืจื ืืช ืคืืืชื ืืฉืืื:ย “ืืื ืืืื ืืืงืจืจ ืืืืืฉื???”
“ื ื ืืืืช…”ย ืขืื ื ืืืืืืย “ืืฉืืื ืืื ืืชื ืขืืฉื ืืขืืืช?”
A TALMUDIC QUESTION
A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst raises the following question in the hopes that Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?
One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. However, taking Viagra is taboo during Passover – as well as any other agent that causes things to rise.
Which raises (you’ll excuse the expression) yet another question: What blessing does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of three blessings:
Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif kfuffim — Bless you Lord for straightening those who are bent.
Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh vyavo — Bless you Lord for causing things to arise and come.
Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim — Bless you Lord for raising the dead.
ย
ืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืื ืืืืืื ืืืืืื ืืช ืืืจืืชืื ืืชื ืืืืื ืืื ืืืืืชื ื – 85. ืืืืจ ืืืืืืืช ืืืจ ืื ืื ืฉืืื, ืืื ืืืงืฉืช ืืื ื ืฉืืขืืืจ ืื ืืืื ืืช.
ืืื ืืชืืืืก: ืืืคื ืขืืื, ืืืื ืฉืืขืืื ื ืืคืืช ืงืืคืฅ ืืกืืคืจ ืืงืื ื ืขืืืืืช ืืขืืจื ืืช ืื ืืืืืื ืืคืื ืช ืืืืื.
ืืชืื ืืืื ืืช, ืืื, ืฉืืืืข ืฉืืืืจืื ืฉื ืืื ืื ืื ืฉืืื, ืืืื ืื ืจืฉืืื:ย
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชืย
2. ืืืืืฉ ืืช ืืขืืืย
3. ืืืืืฉ ืขืืืืืช
ืืืฆืืื ืืืชื , ืืืงืืื ืืฆืื, ืื ืืืงืจืจ.
ืืืืจืช:
ืืฉืืืจืืชืื ืืืืขืืช, ืืืจื ืฉืืฉืื ืืฉืืืื, ืื ืกื ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืืืจ ืื ืขืืื ืืขืฉืืช, ืืื ื ืืืจืช ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ. ืืื ื ืืืฉืช ืืืืื ืืจืฉืืื ืืจืืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.
ืืืจื ืฉืฉืชื ืืช ืืชื, ืื ืกื ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืืืจ ืื ืขืืื ืืขืฉืืช ืขืืฉืื, ื ืืืจืช ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ, ื ืืืฉืช ืืจืืื ืฉืขืืื ืจืฉืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.ย
ืืฉืกืืืื ืืช ืืชื, ื ืืืฉืช ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ, ืจืืื ืฉืขืืื ืจืฉืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.ย
ืืืจื ืืจืืข ืืืกืืช ืชื, ืงืืืช ืืืจืืชืื ืื ืคืจืืืช ืืื ื ืืฉืืื.
ืืฉืืฆืื, ืืืืจืช ืืืช ืืืืจืืช:ย
ืืืื ืืกืืื, ืืคืืื ืืืก ืชื ืจืืงื ืื ืืืืฉื ืื ื.”
ืฉืืืืช ืืืชื ืืืจื ืืก’ 2:
“ืื ืื ืจืืงื?”
ืขืื ื ืืืจื ืืก’ 3:
“ืืจืืคืื ืืงืืคืช ืืืืื”……
ืืืืจืช ืืืืข ืื ื ืฉื ืืขืืช ืืฉืืื ืืจืืื ืืช ืื ืืืืืื ืืืืื. ืืื ืฉืืื ืืช ืืื:
“ืื ืงืจื ืฉืืืืจืืช ืฉืื ืื ืืืื ืืืืืืื?”
ืขืื ื ืื ืืื:
“ืื ืืืืช ืื ืืื”.
ย 
Good medical advice from the Jewish sagesof old…
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, donโt eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed ’cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
ย
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fastingย is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind…
ย
ย
ืืื ืคืืืฉ ืืช ืืืืจ ืฉืื ืืืืืจ ืื: “ืืชื ืืืืข ืฉืฉืืืชื ืขื ืืกืชืจ ืืกืืืืืกืืจ?”.
“ืืืื ืงืืข”, ืืืืจ ืืืืจ, “ืืื ื ืฉืืืชื ืขื ืืฉืชื ืืจืืฉ ืืฉื ื”.
“ืืืื ืืจืืข ืืชื”, ืืืืจ ืืืืืจ, “ืื ืืืื ืื ืืจืื”.
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ืขืืืจ ืืื ืืืืจ ืืืืชื ืืจืืื ืืช ืืฉืชื ืืืืืื ืช ืขื ืขืืืฃ.
“ืื, ืืช ืื ืืชืืืืฉืช ืืืืืืื ืขื ืืืืืขืจ ืืื?”, ืืื ืฉืืื ืืขืฆืืื.
“ืืืืขืจ ืืืืขืจ”, ืืืืจืช ืืขืืืจื, “ืืื ืืืืก”
A woman went to aย pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.ย There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why soย little?” she asked the petย store owner. The owner looked atย her and said, “Look, I should tellย you first thatย this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimesย it says someย pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thoughtย about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.ย Sheย took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it toย say something. The bird lookedย around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bitย shocked at the implication, but then thought
“that’s really not soย bad.”
When her two teenageย daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, newย madam, new girls.”ย The girls and theย woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situationย considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, theย woman’s husband Keith came home from work.ย The bird looked atย him and said, “Hi,ย Keith!”
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ืืืืกื ืืืืื ื ืคืฉ ื ืืกื ืืืื ืืฉื ืืขืงื ืืืชืืื.
ืืื ืงืคืฅ ืืืจืืื ืื ืฉืื ืืงืจืงืขืืช.
ืฉืืฉื ื ืฉืื ืืื ืืืืฉืคืืช ืฉื, ืงืคืฆื ืืื ืืืจืืืย ืืืฆืืืื ืืืืฆืื ืืช ืืขืงื ืืืฉืจ ืืื ืืงืืฉื ื ืืฉื.
ืื ืื ืืืืกื ืฉืืข ืขื ืื ืืืืืย ืืช ืฉืืฉื ื ืืืฉืจืื, ืืื ืืฉืืจืจ ืืืชื ืืืืืกื.
ืืจื ืื ืฉืขืืฉื ืืืจ ืืื ืืืื ืืื ื ืืจืืื.
ืื ืื ืืืืกื ืคื ื ืืฉืืฉื ื ืืืืจ:
ืืฉ ืื ืฉื ื ืืืจืื ืืืืจ ืื.
ืืื ืฉืื ืืืฉื ื ืขืฆืื.
ืืชืืื ืขื ืืขืฆืื.
ืืืืืจ ืืขืงื ืฉืืฆืืช ืืชืืื ืืช. ืืื ื ืืฆื ืชืืื ืืืืจ .
ืฉืืฉื ื ืืกืชืืื ืขื ืืื ืื ืืืืจื:
ืื ื ืชืืืชื ืืืชื ืืื ืฉืืชืืืืฉ….
ย 
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Bradenton, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.ย “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach.ย Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I’m sorry to hear that.ย My husband passed away three years agoย and it is very lonely, she countered.ย “Do you live around here?” she asked.>>
“Yes, I live over in Coral Springs, ” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied: “How did you know my name was Katz?”
ืืืื ืืืฉืืจ ืืืืืื ืืืืื ืืืจื”ื ืืฉื ืืช ืืฉืืืฉืื, ืืืืืื ืจืืื ืืกืจื ืื ืืืืขื ืืืื ืืืืจื ืืืืจื ืืืจืืคื ืืืืคืฉื ืขืืืื .
ืฉื ืืื ืืืื ืืกืชืืืืื ืื ืื- ืืืจืง. ืืืื ืืจืืืืืช ืื ืจืืืื ืฉืื JOBS .
ืื ืืฆืืืืื ืืืืื ืืืืฉืื ืฉืื ืืฉืืช ืขืืืื .
ืืืืจ ืืขื ืง’ื ืืืืื: ” ืืชื ืืฉืืื ืืืชืจ , ืื ืชืจืื ืืื ืืืืืจ “
ืืฆืืื ืืืื ืืืืืข ืืืืจ ืืืจืืืื ืื , ืืืื ืืขืืืจ 10 ืืงืืช ืืื ืืืืจ ืืืืจื.
ืืฉืืื ืืืชืืงืฉืช ” ื ื ?! “, ืืื ืขืื ื:
ืื ืืื , ืืืืจ ืืืื, ื ืื ืกืชื ืืืืจ ืฉืื ืืฉืื ืฉืืืฉื ืืืจืื ืืืืจืช ืืืช ืืื ืืืื ืืชืืืื ืืืืื ืืืชื .
ืฉืื ืืืืจ ืืจืืฉืื ๐ DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH
“ืขืฉืืชื ืืฉืืื ืฉืื ืืืื ‘ืื’ – ืืืจืงื ืืืชื ืืื, ืื ืขืฉืืชื ืขื ืืจืืฉ ืืืื ืืืขืื.”
ืืืจ ืืฉื ื : SHOW US YOUR HAND
ืขืฉืืชื ืืฉืืื ืฉ- HAND ืื ืืื ืืื “ืืื ื” ืืืืืืฉ ืืืจืืืชื ืืื ืืช ืืื .
ืืืจ ืืฉืืืฉื : SHOW US YOUR FOOT
ืขืฉืืชื ืืฉืืื ืฉ- FOOT ืื ืืื “ืคืืก” ืืืจืืืชื ืืื ืืช ืืจืื .
“ื ื… ” ืฉืืื ืืขื ืง’ื ืืงืืฆืจ ืจืื , “ืืื…? “
ืืื ืืืฉื ืฉืืื ? DO YOU SMOKE
ืืืื ืื ื ืืืฉื ืขืฉืืชื ืืขืืช.
” ืืจืืืชื ืื ืืช ืืฉืืืง” .
The Maid asked for a raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked :
“Now, Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: ” Who said you iron better than me ?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam (very upset now): “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the gardener did.”
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE !
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ืืจืืงืื ืขืืจ ืืฉืชืืช ืืืื ืืื
ืืชืืจื ืืื ืืืจืื
ืืืจื ืืืืฉ ืืืืข ืืืจืืงืื ืืจืืคื ืืืืืงื
ืืจืืคื ืืชืจืฉื ืืืืืืื ืืืืฉืื ืืฉืืื: ื ื, ืืื ืืฉืืืขื?
ืืืจืืงืื: ืืืืงื ืฉืืืข ืืฆืืืื, ืืื ืื ืืืื ืืืื…
ืืืื ืืืื ืื ืฉื ื ืืืจืื ืฉื ืคืืฉืื ืื ืืื ืขื ืกืคืกื ืืคืืจืง, ืืื ืืืืืื ืฆืืคืืจืื, ืื ืื ืืืฉืืื ืขื ื ืืฉืืื ืืจืืื ืฉื ืขืืื.
ืืื ืืื ืืืื ืื ืืืืข ืืกืคืกื.
ืืื ืื ืืืืก ืืื ืืฉืืืืช ืืืื ืืฉืืื ืข ืฉืืืืืจ ืืืฆืื ื ืืช ืงืื. ืืืจื ืฉืืืข, ืืืื ืขืืืื ืื ืืืคืืข ืืืื ืืืจ ืืื ืืืืื. ืืืื ืืืืื ืฉืื ืืื ืืืจืื ืืกืคืกื ืืื ืืขืืจ ืืื, ืืื ืื ืืืข ืืืื ืืืื ืืชืืืจืจ ืื ืืื ืืคืฉืจ ืืืชืจ ืืืชื. ืืืืฉ ืขืืจ ืืืื ืืืฉืื ืืคืงืื ืืช ืืกืคืกื ืืื ืืื,ย
ืืืืื ืฉืื ืืฉืื ืขืื ืืจืืืช ืืช ืืืื.
ืื ืืื ืืื, ืื ืืชื ืืืืขืื? ืื ื ืื ืืืื ืืชืืืฆื ืืคืืจืง ืืืืื ืืืื ืื ืงืจื!
ืืื ืืชืจืืฉ ืืืื ืืจืืืชื ืื ืื ืืกืชืงืจื ืืืขืช ืื ืืชืจืืฉ. “ืืคืชืืจ ืืคืจื! ืืืคื ืืืืช? ืืืจ ืืฉืืชื ืฉืืื ืื…”
“ืืืืชื ืืืื…” ืืืจ ืืืื ืืืืื.
“ืืืื?!” ืืชืคืื ืืื “ืืื ืืื ืืจืืืืช ืืืขืช ืืืื??”
“ืืืื, ืืชื ืืืืจ ืืช ืืืืฆืจืืช ืืืืื ืื ืืืืืื ืืืืช ืืงืคื ืฉืื ื ืืืื ืืืื ืืขืืชืื?” ืืืจ ืืืื.
“ืืืืจ. ืืื ืืื ืงืฉืืจื ืืขื ืืื?” ืฉืื ืืื.
“ืืื ืืื” ืืืฉืื ืืืื, “ืืื ืืืืฉื ื ืืื ืชืืื ื ืขื ืืื ืก ืืื ื ืืืื 89 ืืืืคืื, ืืงืืชื ืืช ืื ืืืืืื ืืื ืื ืืชืืืืชื ืืื, ืฉืืืฉืคื ื ืฉืืขืชื ืฉืื ืืื ืงืจื”.
“ื ื…” ืืกืชืงืจื ืืื.
“ืืฉืืคื ื ืชื ืื 30 ืืื ืขื ืฉืืืขืช ืฉืงืจ…”
Sunday Morning SexUpon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.”Oh no, my dear,” replied granny “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.” she paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,”and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
ืืจืืงืื ืขืืจ ืืฉืชืืช ืืืื ืืื
ืืชืืจื ืืื ืืืจืื
ืืืจื ืืืืฉ ืืืืข ืืืจืืงืื ืืจืืคื ืืืืืงื
ืืจืืคื ืืชืจืฉื ืืืืืืื ืืืืฉืื ืืฉืืื: ื ื, ืืื ืืฉืืืขื?
ืืืจืืงืื: ืืืืงื ืฉืืืข ืืฆืืืื, ืืื ืื ืืืื ืืืื…
ืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืื ืืืืืื ืืืืืื ืืช ืืืจืืชืื ืืชื ืืืืื ืืื ืืืืืชื ื – 85. ืืืืจ ืืืืืืืช ืืืจ ืื ืื ืฉืืื, ืืื ืืืงืฉืช ืืื ื ืฉืืขืืืจ ืื ืืืื ืืช.
ืืื ืืชืืืืก: ืืืคื ืขืืื, ืืืื ืฉืืขืืื ื ืืคืืช ืงืืคืฅ ืืกืืคืจ ืืงืื ื ืขืืืืืช ืืขืืจื ืืช ืื ืืืืืื ืืคืื ืช ืืืืื.
ืืชืื ืืืื ืืช, ืืื, ืฉืืืืข ืฉืืืืจืื ืฉื ืืื ืื ืื ืฉืืื, ืืืื ืื ืจืฉืืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื
2. ืืืืืฉ ืืช ืืขืืื
3. ืืืืืฉ ืขืืืืืช
ืืืฆืืื ืืืชื , ืืืงืืื ืืฆืื, ืื ืืืงืจืจ.
ืืืืจืช:
ืืฉืืืจืืชืื ืืืืขืืช, ืืืจื ืฉืืฉืื ืืฉืืืื, ืื ืกื ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืืืจ ืื ืขืืื ืืขืฉืืช, ืืื ื ืืืจืช ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ. ืืื ื ืืืฉืช ืืืืื ืืจืฉืืื ืืจืืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.
ืืืจื ืฉืฉืชื ืืช ืืชื, ืื ืกื ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืืืืืจ ืื ืขืืื ืืขืฉืืช ืขืืฉืื, ื ืืืจืช ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ, ื ืืืฉืช ืืจืืื ืฉืขืืื ืจืฉืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.
ืืฉืกืืืื ืืช ืืชื, ื ืืืฉืช ืืงืฉืืฉื ืืจืฉืืื ืฉืขื ืืืงืจืจ, ืจืืื ืฉืขืืื ืจืฉืื:
1. ืืืืืฉ ืชื. ืืืื ื ืชื ืืืืืฉื.
ืืืจื ืืจืืข ืืืกืืช ืชื, ืงืืืช ืืืจืืชืื ืื ืคืจืืืช ืืื ื ืืฉืืื.
ืืฉืืฆืื, ืืืืจืช ืืืช ืืืืจืืช:
ืืืื ืืกืืื, ืืคืืื ืืืก ืชื ืจืืงื ืื ืืืืฉื ืื ื.”
ืฉืืืืช ืืืชื ืืืจื ืืก’ 2:
“ืื ืื ืจืืงื?”
ืขืื ื ืืืจื ืืก’ 3:
“ืืจืืคืื ืืงืืคืช ืืืืื”……
ืืืืจืช ืืืืข ืื ื ืฉื ืืขืืช ืืฉืืื ืืจืืื ืืช ืื ืืืืืื ืืืืื. ืืื ืฉืืื ืืช ืืื:
“ืื ืงืจื ืฉืืืืจืืช ืฉืื ืื ืืืื ืืืืืืื?”
ืขืื ื ืื ืืื:
“ืื ืืืืช ืื ืืื”.
Good medical advice from the Jewish sagesof old…
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, donโt eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed ’cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
ย
ย 
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fastingย is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind…
ย
ย
ืฉืชื ื ืฉืื ืืืืขืืช ืืืื 50 ืืืชืืืืืช ืืืฆื ืืืืื ืืื ืื
ย
ืืฆืืขื ืืืืช: ืืืื ื ืื ืืืกืขืืช ืืืืืชื
ย
ืฉืืืืช ืืฉื ืื: ืืืย ?
ย
ืขืื ื ืืืจืชื “ืื ืืฉ ืฉื ืืืฆืจืื ืืชืืืื ืื ืืื ืืฉืืืฃ ืืช ืืขืื ืืื”
ย
ืืืคื 10 ืฉื ืื ืืฉืชืืื ืื ืืช 60 ืืฉืื ืขืืื ืืฉืืื ืืืฆื ืืืืื
ย
ืืฆืืขื ืืืืช:ืืืื ื ืื ืืืกืขืืช ืืืืืชื
ย
ย ืฉืืืืช ืืฉื ืื:ืืืย ?
ย
ืขืื ื ืืืจืชื “ืื ืืฉ ืฉื ืกืืืืง ืขืื ืืืื”
ย
ืืืคื 10 ืฉื ืื ื ืืกืคืืช ืืฉืชืืื ืื ืืช 70 ืืฉืื ืขืืื ืืฉืืื ืืืฆื ืืืืื
ย
ืืฆืืขื ืืืืช:ืืืื ื ืื ืืืกืขืืช ืืืืืชื
ย
ืฉืืืืช ืืฉื ืื :ืืื?
ย
ืขืื ื ืืืจืชื “ืื ืืฉ ืืจืืื ืืืื ืืื ืืฉืืืื ืืช ืืื ืืคืจืืข ืื ื ืืขืืืจ ืขื ืขืืืช ืื ืืื ืฉืื ื”
ย
ืืืคื 10 ืฉื ืื ื ืืกืคืืช ืืฉืชืืื ืื ืืช 80 ืืฉืื ืขืืื ืืฉืืื ืืืฆื ืืืืื
ย
ืืฆืืขื ืืืืช:ืืืื ื ืื ืืืกืขืืช ืืืืืชื
ย
ืฉืืืืช ืืฉื ืื :ืืื?
ย
ืื ืืฃ ืคืขื ืื ืืืื ื ืฉื.
ย
David Is To Be Returned Toย ย Italy ..After aย two year loan to the United States ,Michelangelo’s David is being returned toย ย Italy
|
ย A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to
the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He
then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they had Sex.
After they are done, the girl says,
“You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says “Sure, I’m a good dentist.ย How did you
figure that out?”
“I didn’t feel a thing.” ! ! ! !ย
ย ย
ืืื ืืจืืงืืื ืจืืื ืืืขืจื ืืขืื ืืืืข ืืืืชื ืืจืืื ืืช ืืฉืชื ืืืจืืช ืืืืืื, ืืื ืฉืืื ืืืชื ืื ืื ืื ืงืจื ืฉืืช ืืืจืืช ???? โ ืืื ืืืจืืก ืืืื ื ืืืจ ืืื ื ื ืืื ื ื ืืกืขืช ืืืืืกโ, ืืื ืขืื ื ืื, โืฉืืขืชื ืฉื ืฉืื ืฉื ืืงืืืืช 1,000$ ืขืืืจ ืื ืฉืื ื ืขืืฉื ืืชื ืืืื ื …….โ
ืืฉืืื ืฉืืข ืืืช ืืื ืืชืืื ืื ืื ืืืจืื ืืช ืืืืืืืืช….
ืืืืฉื ืืืืืื ืฉืืืืช ืืืชื , โืจืืข ืื ื ืืกืืจ ืืชื , ืื ืืชื ืขืืฉื ืืืืืง ?โ
ืืื ืขื ื ืื – โ ืืืืื ืื ืื ื ื ืืกืข ืืชื ืืืืืก ..
โืื ื ืจืืฆื ืืจืืืช ืืื ืชืกืชืืจื ืจืง ืขื 2,000$ ืืฉื ื โฆ
ืขืืฉืื ืืื ืชื ืืื ืงืืจืืื ืืื ืืืืื ืืช ืืืืืจืงืกืื – ืฉืืืขืืช !
ืื ืืงื ืื ืฉืืืขืืช ืืืืจืื ืืช ืืืืจืงืกืื, ืืืืฆืงืื.
As I have grown older:
I’ve learned that pleasingย everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
ย
Condoms donโt guarantee safe sex anymoreโฆ…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womanโs husband.
ย
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
ย
ืืืืช ืืฉืคื, ืืขืืืจื ืืจืืืืช ืฉืืืืช ืื ืืืงืกืก, ืขืืจื ืืืื ืฉื ืืชืืืขื ืงืืจื ืืขืื ืืจืืฉืื ื ืฉืื, ืกืืชื’ื ืืืืืจืช , ืืืืื ืืขืืื.
ืืื ื ืืืฉ ืืืื ืืฉืืื ืืืชื “ืืื ืืช ืืืืจื ืืืชื, ืืืจืช ื’ืื ืก?”
ืืืื ืขืื ื: “ืื, ืืืืื ืฉืื ื ืืืืจื ืืืชื ืืจ ืืืืืืืืก, ืืืจืชื ืืืชื ืืื ืฉืืืืช ืืื ืงืื, ืืืืขื ืืืืช ืืชื ืืืืื ืืืืื ืืืืื ืชื. ืืชื ืืฉืงืจ, ืืืื ืืืฉืชื, ืืชื ืื ืืคืืืืืื ืืืืืจ ืขื ืื ืฉืื ืืืืืจื ืืื. ืืชื ืืืฉื ืฉืืชื ืืืื ืกืืคืืจ ืืฆืืื ืืืื ืื ืืช ืืฉืื ืืืืื ืฉืืขืืื ืื ืืฆื ืืื ืืืื.ืื ืื ื ืืืืจื ืืืชื”.
ืขืืจื ืืืื ื ืขืื ืืืงืื ืืืื, ืื ืืืื ืื ืืขืฉืืช. ืืืกืืฃ ืืื ืืฆืืืข ืืฆืื ืืฉื ื ืฉื ืืืืื ืืฉืืื “ืืืจืช ื’ืื ืก, ืืื ืืช ืืืืจื ืืช ืขืืจื ืืืื ืฉื ืืืื ื?”
ืืืืืืจืช ืฉืื ืขืื ื: “ืื, ืืืืื. ืื ื ืืืืจื ืืช ืืจ ืืจืืืื ืืื ืฉืืื ืฆืขืืจ, ืื ืื. ืืื ืขืฆืื, ืื ืคืจืฆืืคื ืืืฉ ืื ืืขืืืช ืฉืชืืื. ืืื ืื ืืกืืื ืื ืื ืืขืจืืช ืืืกืื ื ืืจืืืืช, ืืืื ืืื ืืขืืจืื ืืืื ืืืจืืขืื ืืืืื ื.ืฉืื ืืืืจ ืขื ืื ืฉืืื ืืื ืืืืฉืชื ืขื ืฉืืืฉ ื ืฉืื ืฉืื ืืช. ืืืช ืืื ืืืืชื ืืฉืชื. ืื, ืื ื ืืืืจื ืืืชื”
ืขืืจื ืืืื ืืืขื ืืืื ื ืืืขื ืืชืขืืฃ ืืืงืื.
ืคืชืืื ืืฉืืคื ืืืงืฉ ืืขืืจืื ืืืื ืืืฉืช ืืืื ืืืืคืง ืืืงืื ืืืื ืฉืงื ืืื ืืืืจ ืืื:
“ืชืงืฉืืื ืืืืืืืื, ืื ืืื ืืฉื ืืื ืฉืืื ืืืชื ืื ืืื ืืืืจื ืืืชื , ืื ื ืฉืืื ืืช ืฉื ืืืย ืืืืกื ืืืฉืืื!”
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo’s veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas available.
Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but he possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, and they approached Bobby Lee with a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the gorillaย for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
“First,” Bobby Lee said,ย ย “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second,” he said,ย ย “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt”
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third,” he said,ย ย “You can’t never tell nobody about this.”
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Fourth,” Bobby Lee said,ย ย “I want any children raised Southern Baptist”
Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said.ย ย “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
ย
ืืฉืจืืื ื ืกืข ืขื ืืืืฉ ืืืืจ ืืืจืฆืืช ืืืจืืช ืืืฆื ืฉืขื ืืคื ื ืฉืืช, ืคืชืืื ืืื ืจืืื ืืืืืช ืืขืื, ืืื ืืืืฉ ืืืคื ืขืืื ืืื ืจืื ืืฆื ืืืืืฉ ืขื ืืืกื ืื ืืข ืคืชืื. ืืื ืืื ืื ืกืืขื ืืืืจื ืื ืงืืื ืืืืื ืืืืืืช ืืขืฆืืจ ืืกืืืข ืื. ืืื ืืื ืืืืืช, ืืจื ืืฉืืืืื ืืืืจ ืขื ืืืืชื ืืืืื ืืช. ืื ืืื ืืกื ื’ืง ืืชืืช ืืืืื, ืืจืืื ืืืชื ืืชืื ืืื ืืงืืช ืกืืืจื ืืช ืืืขืื. ืืฉืกืืืื, ืืืฅ ืื ืืืืชื ืืื ืืืืจ “ืฉืืช ืฉืืื ืื ืกืืขื ืืืื”.
ืื ืืืืฉ ืื ืืืื.
ืืืืืจ ื ืืกื ืืื ืืืืช: “ืืื ืฉืืช”, ืืื ืืื ืืื ืื ืืืื.
ืฉืื ืืืชื “ืืชื ืืืืื”? ืืืืื ืขื ื ืฉืื!
ืืืฉืจืืื ืืืื, ืดืื ืื ืืืืคื ืขื ืืจืืฉ ืฉืื?ืด. ืดืื”, ืืืื ืืืืฉ, “ืื ืืคื ื ืฉืกืืชื ืฉืื ื ืคืืจื, ืืื ืืืฆืืื ืืืคื ืืืืืืจื ืืืืจื: ืื ืคืขื ืฉืชืืื ืืืขืื, ืฉืื ืืช ืื ืขื ืืจืืฉ. ืืืฉืื ืืื ืืืจ ืืขืฆืืจ ืืขืืืจ ืื”…
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”ย “Force yourself,” she replied.
ย Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
ย A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
ย ย ย ย Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?ย ย A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.ย
ืฉื ื ืืืจืื ื ืคืืฉื ืืืจื 20 ืฉื ื.
ืืื ืืืืจ ืืฉื ื ืื ืงืืจื?ย ืื ืืขื ืืื ืื ืืื ืืืื?
ืืฉื ื ืขืื ื ืืืืื ืกืืื ืืืจืืื ืขื ืืืืื. ืืฉ ืื ืืช ย ืฉืขืืืืช ืืฆื ืขืืดื.
ืืื ืื ืืืื ืืขืืื ืืืชื ืืจืื ืฉืืื ืืจืืฆื.
ืงื ื ืื ืืืจื ืืื ืืืฉืจื ืืฉืืื ืืืื ืืืืดื ืืื ืืืงื ืืืชื ืืืชื ืืื ืืงืื ืฉืืื ืื ืืื ืืื ืืืชื …
ืืืชื ืื ืืืชื?
ืืื ืขืื ื ืื ืื ืื ืืฉ ืืช …
ืืืืจ ืฉืืื ืืืชื ืืื ืืื ืขืืฉื ืืืืื?
ืืืืจ ืขืื ื ืื :
“ืื ืืื ืฉืจืืืื, ืืื ืื ื ืื ืืืืข ืืกืคืจ ืืช ืื ืืคื ืืืื.”
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
ย After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
ืืื ืืืืข ืืขืืืื ืขื ืคื ืก ืืขืื. ืฉืืื ืืืชื: ืื ืงืจื?
– ืืืจื ืืืืืืืืก ืขืืื ืืคื ื ืืืฉื,ืฉืืชื ืื ืฉืืืฆืืืช ืฉืื ื ืชืคืกื ืืืฉืื ืื ืืืฆืืชื ืืืชื. ืืื ืืกืชืืืื ืืื ืื ืชื ื ืื ืืืงืก ืืขืื ืืื ืจืืืชื ืืืืืื..
ืืืจื ืฉืืืขืืื ืืืืืจ ืืืืข ืืขืืืื ืฉืื ืขื ืคื ืก ืืขืื ืืื.
ืขืืฉืื ืื ืงืจื? ืฉืืืืื ืืขืืืชืื….ืจืืืชื ืืืืืืืืก ืืช ืืืชื ืืืฉื, ืืฉืื ืืืฆืืืช ื ืชืคืกื ืืืฉืื ื. ืืืจื ืฉืื ืฉืขืืื ืืืื ืืืืื ื ืืื ืืืืฆืืื ืืืชื. ืื ื ืืืขืชื ืฉืืื ืื ืืืืืช ืืช ืื ืื ืืืืจืชื ืืืชื ืืืงืื.
In the
1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have ‘the rule
of thumb’
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen
Only…Ladies Forbidden’.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.ย
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causesย
In Shakespeare’s
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
In Shakespeare’s
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
ืืื ืฆืจืคืชืื ื ืฉืืืื 30 ืฉื ื ืืืืขื ืื ืืืื ืืืื ืืืฉื,
ืืืืื ืืืขื ืืืืืจ ืืืืื, ืืืื ืืืฉืชื ืืจืืืช ืขืจื ืฆืจืคืชืืช,
ืืืฉื ืฉืจืืืคืก, ืฆืคืจืืขืื ืืขืื ืืจืื ืืืขืืื.
ืืืืฉื ืืืจื ืืืขืืืื ืืจืืื ืืืืช ื ืจืืช ืืืืขืืื
ืืืขื ืืกืคืจ ืื ืืฉื ืื ืืืจืืื ืืืื ืืืืจืช ืื,
ืฉืืจืืื ืฆืจืคืชืืช ืื ืืืืืช ืืื ืฉืืืืืื ืืืื.
ืืืขื ืืืจื ืืกืืคืจ ืืงืื ื ืงืืคืกื ืฉื ืฉืืืืืื,
ืืงืืคื ืคืืืฉ ืคืฆืฆื ืืืื ืืื ืืช, ืฉืืื ืืืฉืชื ืืืืฉืืืืืื,
ืืืืื ืืชื ืืืืจืชื, ืืืืงืจ ืืชืขืืจืจ ืื ืืืจ ืืืฉืชื ืฉืืืื ืื,
ืจืฅ ืขื ืืฉืืืืืื ืืื ืืืจื ืืืฉื ืื ืืกืคืจ ืืืฉืชื,
ืืืืข ืืืืช ืืืืช, ืฉืืคื ืืช ืืฉืืืืืื ืืจืฆืคื,
ืคืืชื ืืช ืืืืช ืืืืืจ ืืื: “ืืืจื ืืืชืจ ืืืจ, ืขืื ืืืจ ืืืืขื ื!”
Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ‘s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , whereย Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables.ย Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
ืืคื ื ืืืช ื ืขืืื…
-ืืงืืจืชื, ืคืชืื ืื ืืช ืืืืช!
-ืื ืืืืื, ืื ื ืขืจืืื.
-ืื ืืฉื ื, ืื ื ืืื!
-ืื ื ืื…
ืืื ืืืื.
ืืื:ย ืืงืืจื, ืืชื ืืืืข ืื ืื ื ืงืืจืืช ืืขืื ืื?
ืืืย : ืื ืืงืืจืชื?
ืืื:ย ืฉืืชื ืจืืฆื ืืืชืืชื ืืืชื.
ืืื:ย ืืชืืืช ืื ืืืคืืชืืช…
ืืืจ ืืื ืืกืคืจืื.
ืืืืจ:ย ย ืืืงืฉ ืืช ืืกืคืจ ” ืขืืืื ืืช ืืืืจ ืขื ืืืืฉื”
ืืกืคืจื ืืช:ย ืกืคืจื ืืืข ืืืืื ื, ืชืืฆื ืืงืืื ืืขื …
ย
Those of you living outside Australia – have you considered importing crocodiles?
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, weย
were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big Crock, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small ‘Crock.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake theย
shit out of them and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shakingย
the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
ืคืขื ืืืช, ืื ืฉื ืืืคืจืืงื, ืืืคืจ ืงืื-ืืืคืืข ืืืื ืืืืจ ืืื ืืื ืืืืืืข ืืื ืืชืืฉืืื ืื ืืื ืืืื ืืงื ืืช ืื ืงืืฃ ื-10$.
ืืืคืจืืื, ืฉืืืขื ืฉืืฉ ืงืืคืื ืจืืื ืืกืืืืชื, ืืฆืื ืืืืื ืืื ืื ืืืขืจ ืืืืื ืืืืืย
ืืืชื.
ืืืืฉ ืงื ื ืืื ืืืคื ืงืืคืื ืชืืืจืช 10$ ืืืื,
ืืืืื ืืฉืืฆืืืฆืื ืืืืืืกืืืช ืืงืืคืื ืขื ืื ืงืฉื ืืื ืืืชืจื,
ืืืื ืืืคืจืืื ืืืืืฆืืื. ืืืืื ืฉืื, ืืืืืข ืืืืฉ ืื ืืขืชื ืืฉืื ืืขืืืจ ืื ืงืืฃ 20$.
ืืืืขืชื ืื ืืืืฉื ืืช ืืืืฆื ืืืคืจืืื ืืื ืฉืื ืืืจืฅ ืืืืืืช ืืืืืช ืืงืืคืื.
ืืื ืฉืืืืจื ืืืื ืฉืื ืืกืคืงืช ืืงืืคืื ืืืืคืจืืื ืฉืื ืืขืื ืืช ืืืืชืืื.
ืืืืฉ ืืขืื ืืช ืืฆืขืชื ื-25$ ืืืืื ืืกืคืงืช ืืงืืคืื ืืฆืืืฆืื ืขื ืืืืื
ืืงืฉื ืืื ืืจืืืช ืืคืืื ืงืืฃ ืืื ืืืขืจ, ืฉืื ืืืืจ ืขื ืืืืื ืืื.
ืืืืฉ ืืืืืข ืขืชื ืฉืืื ืืืื ืืจืืืฉ ืื ืงืืฃ ื-50$,
ืืื ืืืืืื ืฉืืื ืืืื ืื ืกืืข ืืขืืจื ืืฆืจืืื ืขืกืงืืื ืืกืืืืื,
ืืขืืืจ ืฉืื ืืืฆื ืืืชื ืืืขืืจื ืืืืฆืข ืืช ืจืืืฉืช ืืงืืคืื ืืื.
ืืฉื ืกืข ืืืืฉ ืคื ื ืืขืืืจ ืฉืื ืื ืืืคืจืืื ืืืืจ ืืื
“ืืกืชืืื ืขื ืื ืืงืืคืื ืฉืืืืื ืืขื ืง ืืื ืืืชื ืจืืฉ ืืืืฉ ืืืืกืฃ ืฉืื.
ืื ื ืืืืืจ ืืื ืื ืืื ืชืืืจืช 35$ ืืืฉืืืืก ืฉืื ืืฉืื ืืืื ืชืืืื ืืืืืจ ืื ืืืชื ืชืืืจืช 50$ ืืงืืฃ!”.
ืืืคืจืืื ืืกืคื ืืจืืืื ืืช ืื ืืกืืื ืืชืืื ืืงื ื ืืืขืืืจ ืืช ืื ืืืคื ืืงืืคืื.
ืืื ืื ืื ืจืื ืืืชืจ ืืช ืืืืฉ ืื ืืช ืืขืืืจ ืฉืื.
ืื ืื ืฉืจืื ืกืืืื ืืื ืืืคื ืืงืืคืื ืืืชื ืจืืฉื ืืืืื ืืกืคื
ืขืืฉืื ืืฉ ืืื ืืื ื ืืืื ืืืชืจ ืืื ืขืืืืช ืืืืจืกื.
ย Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
โLike sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thingโ, I said. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 83 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week.”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.